Wednesday, June 20, 2012

rough riding

as surely as i know the sun will rise in the east and set in the west, 
i know june is going to be a bad month. 
at least for me it is. 

my husband has a myriad of health issues. 
one of which is minor, but changes the entire temperature and texture of my life. 
he has allergies. 
his allergies are significant enough to make taking shots for them a decent solution. 
herein lies the rub. 
he refuses to do such a thing. 

it causes some of the most awful suffering and attitudinal backlashes. 
pretty much by now, i totally hate him. 
in this moment, i am sure that the feeling is pretty temporary. 
at least i am hoping it is temporary.
i often wonder how on earth do we survive all the crap that mates toss our ways?

i just don't know. 
it is pretty rough inside my skin right now. 
this is how i know it is june. 
june is also responsible for the Stanley Cup Playoffs. 
it is more important than actually celebrating a wedding anniversary. 
even if his team isn't playing. 
and that is most often the case. 
so no anniversary. 

he has a weird disease underlying everything. 
so any other stress that comes his way is piggybacking onto 
i am uncertain if he feels it at all anymore, since it is in remission. 
it is rheumatoid in nature. 
and rare. 
it is one of the diseases that is featured on the show "House".

its expression is of having a pulled muscle in every muscle in your body at the same time. 
his came out in skin rashy patches that looked like psoriasis. 
when it was in full flare up, 
he would have to stretch his neck and turn his head simultaneously to swallow. 
if he sat on the sofa, he would not be able to get up. 
little things that add up and are scary are featured in this. 

the net result is that he had a heart attack from this stupid disease.
it weakened all the muscle strength of his heart.  
we all have to eat totally differently because of it. 
exercise is more important too. 
i worry about my kids and the likelihood that they could inherit some freakish part of his 
dysfunctional dna.
like i don't worry enough as it is already. 

so in addition to handling heart and skin and muscular issues, 
he is cranky as all shit.
and this is where he is the most generous. 
he shares his bitchy inner self 
mostly with me. 

i am tired of it all. 
june is sucking a lot this time around. 
i wish  i could enjoy the love and successes around me better, 
but this is a vacuum that hones in on my joys. 
i am fighting tooth and nail to keep from being ingested by that vacuum. 
if only we could get to july through safer waters. 
that sure would be worth all the rough riding. 

thanks for letting me release some of this...
it is not good to bottle it all up, but there is no place to really let it go either. 


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

buhbye bad ju-ju

i am in the middle of re-watching a series of episodes of Foyle's War.
it is very enjoyable in spite of the war-time setting. 
what strikes me is that all the crummy stuff that happens to the many characters in the series
is the same no matter when it is happening. 
i find it much more palatable with the great costuming and the british accents. 

it seems that my need for this is to help ease me through some of the daily grinding here. 
there have been a few events that are knocking me about.
first there was the loss of my tooth. 
that came on the heels of a complete need for a personal makeover:
eating better and exercising more. 
obvious as that is, it did need to be said and put into personal context. 

secondly, i was a vendor at a show on sunday.
my take was not as good as i had hoped it could be. 
it wasn't a loss situation, but i felt as if it might have been more positive. 
like everyone else, i have bills that are just hard to get under control easily. 
in doing a show circuit, you need to be months ahead of where you think you are. 
it is helpful to plan for december in june for example. 

so i was driving down 95 southbound to get home and just collapse. 
perhaps i had it in my mind to even make some fuss over father's day for my hubby. 
somehow, that became the last thing on my list. 
i had purchased a lovely photograph from one of my fellow artists, 
Doug Hockman. 

the hubby's truck has been causing him intolerable grief. 
so i snagged this beauty for him. 
i thought it would be sorta sweet and romantic and all. 

all of doug's beautiful photos can be seen and purchased from his website:

also he is often available to meet as you rifle through some of his other photos 
at shows. 
for more info as to where he might be and when he may be there, 
i get caught up here:


as for one of my more recent events, 
coming back on the highway from my day at SOWA...
this happened. 

my rear tire shredded on the highway. 

i actually watched it roll loose on the road, spinning across 3 lanes of traffic and finally coming to rest 
at the guardrail bordering the innermost lane of traffic. 

can you say
unbelievably freaked out???

all things worked out ok. 
but i am still a tad shaky from the entire experience. 
not that any of the lunatics here would notice. 

i was required to drive home from CT last night in the pitch dark for a two hour spate. 
husband bought himself a "new" old car. 
i went with him and the boy to go retrieve it. 
two hours down, two hours back. 
not a thank you or a please in the conversations. 

i have plenty to say about how irritated i am for the lack of sensitivity regarding my shakiness...
however in the efforts to remain a decent human being, i will restrain myself on that tirade. 

everyone is fine. 
no one was injured. 
all is ok. 
not perfect, but ok. 
reasons to be grateful... A, B, C...


so i am going to instead primp and show a pretty new necklace that has been coming in stages. 
i did not plan it so, but it worked out to be this.
sometimes, i think things just have their own way of coming together. 

this photo is from my sowa showing. 

still you can get the gist of what pink and green can mean to me. 
calming. restful. orderly. 

time to spend some effort with the pearl girls. 
i need their classy elegance 
and restful timelessness 
to soothe my frazzled feelings. 


Friday, June 15, 2012

things that are lost

sometimes things are lost. 
this can be both physical as well as not. 
like you can lose a pen ... or misplace it. 
perhaps you can lose a train of thought. 
something that i am doing all too regularly these days. 
i consider it part of my aging process. 
pretty soon, i will have a well filled basket near where i sit. 
it will be filled with wisps of thoughts never fully formed. 
or perhaps filled with ones that should NEVER be expressed. 
today, i felt the pain of loss. 

it is probably from almost 20 years ago that this thread began. 
my dentist wanted me to have some oral surgery to make my gums as strong as possible. 
i was in the middle of raising my three children and the idea of voluntary pain, 
so soon after 3 natural births... 
scared me senseless. 

i knew i would get kids when the pain of childbirth was ended. 
it did not seem plausible that the very painful prospect of gum surgery would yield 
such a happy and pleasing result. 

now years later, i feel terribly foolish. 

i was told after my first kid was popped, to do some crunches. 
some kind of specific exercise to pull my abdominal muscles back into what was healthier shape.
instead, i became pregnant again and was unable to wear my jeans 
within no time at all. 
i mean i could not bend properly after 3 weeks. 
this was my boy... mr. 10-4. 
he delayed my already flimsy resolve to return to abdominal shapeliness. 

i kind of gave up. 
an ectopic pregnancy resulting in surgery, 
another bouncing big baby girl 
and then 
a failure of term pregnancy left me a little busy and heartbroken. 

so within 6 or so years, i had 5 pregnancies of which 3 had gone to term. 
i was busy and not focused. 
the result was i never regained a passable waistline. 
i not only let my hourglass go, but as a result, developed a herniation. 
the scar tissue from the surgical resolution of my ectopic pregnancy has resolved in a 
whopping tummy protusion. 
this needs to be surgically resolved. 

finally, after all this time, i have been diagnosed as likely having diabetes as well. 
it has been a hell of a lot to take in this month. 

today my tooth was seen by a dentist. 
should have had that stinking peridontic surgery. 
oh so long ago. 
everything that has happened is pretty much my own fault. 
i had my molar extracted today. 
long story short, the area around the tooth root was infected and the bone rotted around the tooth itself. 
i was in and out of the dentist office. 
no time at all was spent on the tlc factor. 
i felt like i had been jacked up onto a car lift, 
looked at, 
and rather dispassionately told that the tooth was going to need extraction. 
done and done in half an hour. 
i almost fainted. 
no one even noticed. 
the fact i have been crying on and off all day over a tooth is kind of surprising. 
still i feel a huge loss. 

it is the loss of my youth 
plain and simply. 
i have always been very careful. 
no broken bones or stitches as a child. 
my health issues were as a pregnant woman or the post partum effects of 
being the last person i considered. 
like i said, i have myself to blame. 
it is now my turn to deal with things. 

i gave up doritos. 
pastry and cookies 
(except today... so much stress)
now eating cholesterol sensitive foods. 
only one coffee a day. 
drink more water as soda replacement. 
vegetables are king. 
salt is still here, but not as much. 

each day a little more of things i have indulged in have gone by the wayside. 
surely i do not need them. 
my resiliency in physicality is at an all time low. 
i am very sure that it will rebound. 
losing weight will help or completely get rid of the diabetes. 
my fingers are crossed here. 
surgery for the hernia will be loads easier. 
and the joy of wearing nicer clothes is a huge perk. 
i am really looking forward to that. 

it is not only a time of loss, but also a time of huge personal growth. 
my kids are old enough and 
my husband is too old. 
everyone needs to pitch in some. 
i have been there for all of them... in any way needed. 
now it is my turn. 
and only i can make this work. 

while losing my mind over the death of my tooth, 
i  sorted some flowers and placed them by size, shape and colors 
into an old printing block tray. 
here is how nifty they all look together. 

tomorrow,  i shall spend time with this tray of lovelies. 
it is time to make some replacement inventory. 
i participated in a two day show in my own back yard. 
it took all of last weekend to complete. 
my son helped me out and it was really great to have his company all day for two days. 
he is a great kid. 

some pics from the now completed,
FESTIVAL FETE, Garden City location.

earrings, pins and barrettes

a  cutlery case repurposed for earrings and barrettes

my son, soaking in the counteractive effects of a recent edition of 
it should offset all the jewelry. 

a necklace, bracelet and ring display table. 

a nice grouping of beady flower necklaces

now i think would be a good time to hit the hay. 
loads to do tomorrow. 
heaven knows, i will enjoy making it ... 
and perhaps after a good sleep, i won't sound so maudlin. 

sleep tight kiddies.