Friday, June 15, 2012

things that are lost

sometimes things are lost. 
this can be both physical as well as not. 
like you can lose a pen ... or misplace it. 
perhaps you can lose a train of thought. 
something that i am doing all too regularly these days. 
i consider it part of my aging process. 
pretty soon, i will have a well filled basket near where i sit. 
it will be filled with wisps of thoughts never fully formed. 
or perhaps filled with ones that should NEVER be expressed. 
today, i felt the pain of loss. 

it is probably from almost 20 years ago that this thread began. 
my dentist wanted me to have some oral surgery to make my gums as strong as possible. 
i was in the middle of raising my three children and the idea of voluntary pain, 
so soon after 3 natural births... 
scared me senseless. 

i knew i would get kids when the pain of childbirth was ended. 
it did not seem plausible that the very painful prospect of gum surgery would yield 
such a happy and pleasing result. 

now years later, i feel terribly foolish. 

i was told after my first kid was popped, to do some crunches. 
some kind of specific exercise to pull my abdominal muscles back into what was healthier shape.
instead, i became pregnant again and was unable to wear my jeans 
within no time at all. 
i mean i could not bend properly after 3 weeks. 
this was my boy... mr. 10-4. 
he delayed my already flimsy resolve to return to abdominal shapeliness. 

i kind of gave up. 
an ectopic pregnancy resulting in surgery, 
another bouncing big baby girl 
and then 
a failure of term pregnancy left me a little busy and heartbroken. 

so within 6 or so years, i had 5 pregnancies of which 3 had gone to term. 
i was busy and not focused. 
the result was i never regained a passable waistline. 
i not only let my hourglass go, but as a result, developed a herniation. 
the scar tissue from the surgical resolution of my ectopic pregnancy has resolved in a 
whopping tummy protusion. 
this needs to be surgically resolved. 

finally, after all this time, i have been diagnosed as likely having diabetes as well. 
it has been a hell of a lot to take in this month. 

today my tooth was seen by a dentist. 
should have had that stinking peridontic surgery. 
oh so long ago. 
everything that has happened is pretty much my own fault. 
i had my molar extracted today. 
long story short, the area around the tooth root was infected and the bone rotted around the tooth itself. 
i was in and out of the dentist office. 
no time at all was spent on the tlc factor. 
i felt like i had been jacked up onto a car lift, 
looked at, 
and rather dispassionately told that the tooth was going to need extraction. 
done and done in half an hour. 
i almost fainted. 
no one even noticed. 
the fact i have been crying on and off all day over a tooth is kind of surprising. 
still i feel a huge loss. 

it is the loss of my youth 
plain and simply. 
i have always been very careful. 
no broken bones or stitches as a child. 
my health issues were as a pregnant woman or the post partum effects of 
being the last person i considered. 
like i said, i have myself to blame. 
it is now my turn to deal with things. 

i gave up doritos. 
pastry and cookies 
(except today... so much stress)
now eating cholesterol sensitive foods. 
only one coffee a day. 
drink more water as soda replacement. 
vegetables are king. 
salt is still here, but not as much. 

each day a little more of things i have indulged in have gone by the wayside. 
surely i do not need them. 
my resiliency in physicality is at an all time low. 
i am very sure that it will rebound. 
losing weight will help or completely get rid of the diabetes. 
my fingers are crossed here. 
surgery for the hernia will be loads easier. 
and the joy of wearing nicer clothes is a huge perk. 
i am really looking forward to that. 

it is not only a time of loss, but also a time of huge personal growth. 
my kids are old enough and 
my husband is too old. 
everyone needs to pitch in some. 
i have been there for all of them... in any way needed. 
now it is my turn. 
and only i can make this work. 

while losing my mind over the death of my tooth, 
i  sorted some flowers and placed them by size, shape and colors 
into an old printing block tray. 
here is how nifty they all look together. 

tomorrow,  i shall spend time with this tray of lovelies. 
it is time to make some replacement inventory. 
i participated in a two day show in my own back yard. 
it took all of last weekend to complete. 
my son helped me out and it was really great to have his company all day for two days. 
he is a great kid. 

some pics from the now completed,
FESTIVAL FETE, Garden City location.

earrings, pins and barrettes

a  cutlery case repurposed for earrings and barrettes

my son, soaking in the counteractive effects of a recent edition of 
it should offset all the jewelry. 

a necklace, bracelet and ring display table. 

a nice grouping of beady flower necklaces

now i think would be a good time to hit the hay. 
loads to do tomorrow. 
heaven knows, i will enjoy making it ... 
and perhaps after a good sleep, i won't sound so maudlin. 

sleep tight kiddies. 

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