Wednesday, June 20, 2012

rough riding

as surely as i know the sun will rise in the east and set in the west, 
i know june is going to be a bad month. 
at least for me it is. 

my husband has a myriad of health issues. 
one of which is minor, but changes the entire temperature and texture of my life. 
he has allergies. 
his allergies are significant enough to make taking shots for them a decent solution. 
herein lies the rub. 
he refuses to do such a thing. 

it causes some of the most awful suffering and attitudinal backlashes. 
pretty much by now, i totally hate him. 
in this moment, i am sure that the feeling is pretty temporary. 
at least i am hoping it is temporary.
i often wonder how on earth do we survive all the crap that mates toss our ways?

i just don't know. 
it is pretty rough inside my skin right now. 
this is how i know it is june. 
june is also responsible for the Stanley Cup Playoffs. 
it is more important than actually celebrating a wedding anniversary. 
even if his team isn't playing. 
and that is most often the case. 
so no anniversary. 

he has a weird disease underlying everything. 
so any other stress that comes his way is piggybacking onto 
i am uncertain if he feels it at all anymore, since it is in remission. 
it is rheumatoid in nature. 
and rare. 
it is one of the diseases that is featured on the show "House".

its expression is of having a pulled muscle in every muscle in your body at the same time. 
his came out in skin rashy patches that looked like psoriasis. 
when it was in full flare up, 
he would have to stretch his neck and turn his head simultaneously to swallow. 
if he sat on the sofa, he would not be able to get up. 
little things that add up and are scary are featured in this. 

the net result is that he had a heart attack from this stupid disease.
it weakened all the muscle strength of his heart.  
we all have to eat totally differently because of it. 
exercise is more important too. 
i worry about my kids and the likelihood that they could inherit some freakish part of his 
dysfunctional dna.
like i don't worry enough as it is already. 

so in addition to handling heart and skin and muscular issues, 
he is cranky as all shit.
and this is where he is the most generous. 
he shares his bitchy inner self 
mostly with me. 

i am tired of it all. 
june is sucking a lot this time around. 
i wish  i could enjoy the love and successes around me better, 
but this is a vacuum that hones in on my joys. 
i am fighting tooth and nail to keep from being ingested by that vacuum. 
if only we could get to july through safer waters. 
that sure would be worth all the rough riding. 

thanks for letting me release some of this...
it is not good to bottle it all up, but there is no place to really let it go either. 



  1. Oh dear, I feel your pain. A different set of circumstances, but the same end results. Sadly, I don't think June will end mine. I never thought my life would be like this in my middle aged retirement years...I guess that is why God never provided us with a crystal ball when we asked :). I hope things get better! Keep making that beautiful jewelry that I dream of owning. I do love my one necklace and get oooodles of compliments everytime I wear it. I am waiting to purchase that perfect flower necklace....

    1. thank you lana. i was just having a rotten day. i hope yours improves too. xoxox.w.

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