on the other side

it is always a great feeling to be on the other side of something that you are anxious about.

it is something different for everyone and it can change all the time.

guess it pays to be totally nuts.

you can revel in how many different ways you can flit from one fear to the next.

again, i seem to be speaking about my very own sensibilities.

the second annual "Cabin Fever Indie Show" is now folded into its own magical place and mothballed for another year.

No one is more grateful than I, for this.

I get totally worked up and have many dialogues in my head as i ready my tables for wares i have made.

My productivity is limited

by little else, other than fatigue and time ultimately.

as my friend Anne of Anne Made Designs said this past week,

you would think it is my first show all over again.

As for that, my first show was at my daughter's school.

My first time out as a single vendor, i made a substantial amount of money, had one of my best friends as my co-seller and enjoyed the heck out of the entire process.

it has been up and down since then.

if i am honest, i have only had a few really great shows, and they were either at the school or at my friends' store, Kreatelier on Hope St. in providence.

i Have No idea how i got to be so spoiled about my expectations.

still perhaps, it is a commonly known artistic toilette water that i may have dabbed behind my ears and other pulse points.

i call it:

"Eau de Desperation".

or

it is the scented waters of strong need,teeth gritted together, acceptance,desire,proof of worth?

I remain tired of being unnaturally hungry both metaphorically as well as epicuriously.

it is perhaps a metaphor for how hard things have become

everywhere.

It is felt by other artisans. we have needs just like accountants, doctors, lawyers

and other trained professionals.

we need to not only fill our bellies,

straighten our children's teeth,

swim,

walk,

dance,

watch a silly movie,

and pay our mortgages.

we need to attend to another burning hunger as well.

It is the need to express ourselves through our art.

it takes passion. not something spoken of in a trivial manner.

the passion of a long distance runner.

the passion of a scientist.

the passion to trust in one's self.

the passion of a

n honest person.

the passion of a romantic.

the passion to override all other things and carve time for one's self.

just plain old passion.

and drive to let passion work for you.

I do not feel that i have EVER been so stubborn.

It takes everything in a state of delicate balance to perform my obligated tasks such as housework. cooking.laundry. toilet scrubbing. chauffeuring people to and fro.

all this is done so that my creamy inner center can be nurtured and tenderly teased into construction of another creative quest.

it has no guarantee. it is simply a release of an idea to see if it will come together.

somewhere between amassing some materials one has love for and what you can make, fabricate,create, connect, experiment with, design, dream about ...

you know, items in an artist's tool belt.

it is an act of faith,

akin perhaps to walking on air.

sometimes you itch, sometimes you scratch.

it just needs to be acknowledged.

and then... you must act upon it.

that little idea.

that thing inside of you.

if you are really lucky, you have not squashed it down so far, that it doesn't rise up and direct you.

you can act upon it.

it can be something physical in front of you. musical. artistic. crafted. created. appreciated by one's own self and perhaps ultimately others.

it becomes.

now, i don't want anyone to think that i am grumpy and miserable at shows.

i generally am pretty happy.

i am shocked at how much is needed to stay tickled about setting up a store for one day.

the challenge alone is worth the entire enervated pre-show prep.

and the end of show tally.

firstly, did i make money?

did i meet anyone wonderful?

have i made a connection in that human way to another person?

did i feel validated somehow?

what was the total of my experiences?

will i do this all over again?

what could i change?

how much fun did i have?

aaaargggghhhh?

squeeeeee???

giggle,

smile,

meet,

trade,

trust,

laugh out loud,

shake fist at the sky,

make someone's day,

connect,

question the process,

pee,

eat,

drink,

apply chapstick.....

rinse and repeat.

i did have a blast.

i was numb and tired enough not to experience all the nuances.

might have been what needed.

i traded a locket by Lauren Blaise

for one of my monstrously convolutedly overgrown, enamel floral necklaces.

I am dead on sure that i am getting the better deal out of this. she is unbelievably talented, generous, sweet, smart and oh yeah, double dose of talented. modest beyond her years too.

i girl fanned her. not everything makes me swoon.

her work did.

a round brooch of silver about 2" across. its layering of a silver back and a top layer of tiny open cut squares sandwiched an unexpected layer of fur. the little fluffy bits poked out through the squares all neatly and precisely hand cut. the mix of rabbit fur and silver.

GENIUS.

then there were the nearly Adolf Loos(one of my heroes... wrote a book called " Crime and Adornment")

... an elevated level of precisely curlicued frames with their centers filled unexpectedly with snake skin.

but what made my heart flutter, was the hand built locket she wore. it was simply clean, delicately flowered, a nod of the head to a more Victorian lifestyle...

and its twin has been made mine.

like i said. ..... .

talent. beauty. grace. now mine.

our other neighbor, jeanne. she crochets.

sweet little wraps for cups of hot coffee.

thermal concepts.

loved them.

and hats.

and fingerless gloves.

great colors.

great attention to detail.

fun.

and just the right amount of sneering and smiling

can be made perfect under or in one of her nicely crafted warmers.

i knit.

so we talked.

mostly she and lauren bonded with graham. my charming and helpful (to the max) 17 year old son.

eventually when my daughter, halley surfaced from her bostonian college digs,

she too was embraced in our nodule of camaraderie.

graham shone.

he helped all the girls with their floral earrings.

he learned how to take credit cards in about 5 minutes.

this is something that took me a year of investigating.

halley shone too.

halley helped the quiet and quirky customers.

she connected with them.

the kids have different personalities.

they both stepped up.

they both shone.

for different reasons.

i truly was tickled that i could leave and walk around without a worry about anything.

i knew my best products would be handling my bejeweled other products perfectly well.

in likelihood, perhaps better than i might.

there was my extraordinary sleep deficit to be taken into account.

so this was another show. one that i was utterly crazed getting ready for.

one that is like all others. a big fat question mark. one with a lot of different choices.

and ultimately expressive of me and my creamy inner center.

so selfishly spoken about here,

but i figure, if you are reading this, you may identify with something i've said.

there is a need for connection in the frailty of humankind.

and if so, i am grateful.

thank you for hanging in.

there is more to be said.

photos say a lot too.

lots and lots.

so that will be another posting.

right now, i think a nap is in order.

maybe two.

thank you oodles,

xoxo. w.