nothingness

i have said it once and will say it again. 

nothingness can be utterly wonderful. 

so what do i mean?

sometimes i spend time wishing i was a different person. 

you know that wasted insecure stuff...

where you wish you were skinnier,
 but chocolate seems to woo you down to the bottom of your very soul?

or that jimmy choo shoes fit your yabba-dabba-doo feet, elegantly?

or that your garden grows just like the ones in magazines? 

i realize that i am not going to be the girl i once was, ever again. 

it is evident when i look at who i am on my outside. 

too many years and too many oreos have taken hold.

i have a spastic looking curl of hair running down my back, in a matted manner some days. 

it looks like a tar-free macassar.

(the things that sailors used to tar to keep neat and the reason for lace doilies protecting furniture).

it is just because, i have tied it into a bun so many times, it has its own memory. 

one that excludes kempt expression and neatness. 

most of the time, it is perfunctory at best.

once upon a time,

 i had luscious, thick, long locks in a medium to dark brown tone

 with hints of red from summer sunning. 

now i have something that resembles brown at the bottom and

an imitation of Lily Munster's hairstyle.

there are a pair of semi-matching white to mousy grey shocks at my temples. 

i remember when it took a long time to brush this masse. 

now not quite so much, 

since it has also thinned a lot. 

(oh thank you so much to my later-life-lady-hormones!

together we are looking for any kind of balance at all.)

it all bugs me, 

but,

for the most part, i have traded a lot of really great times and world class learning 

to get to this formerly inconceivable hair reality(and all other realities).

i have had a blast getting to this point.  

hair changes have been only one of the many trade-offs made over time. 

it took me a long time to figure it out, but i am just an artist. 

it is inconceivable that i ever denied this part of my persona.

finally, i seem to be in step with this life and style to accept my creative needs. 

i find that sometimes i look at loads of crafted things.

there is a lot of cool stuff out there. 

much of the time i am inspecting stuff to see if i can figure out how it was made.

i feel motes of envy and sometimes a need to crack sarcastic. 

it is just wrong of me to do this. 

in spite of it, i  can still go there.

there are times when i may not understand how some folks get so much attention

 for what i would not really consider as being great.  

my mother always said that my "little green monster" was rearing its head again.

sometimes it was. 

somethings are best not competed with. 

they have arrived for their 15 minutes of fame. 

have my own things? 

well they might more regularly, if i could stop wasting my energies and time  

trying to figure out what that other person has going for them. 

i stand behind the idea, that every time you do something that is rote in nature, 

the more you need it to be the very best ever, 

the greater your chance is that it may be. 

it is a very good thing to feel really proud of your work.
it is even more important to be happy cause it shows.

 i work and watch tv at the same time.
most folks seem to listen to music. i like stories. 

this allows me to think and make stuff.

it is a two bird, one stone policy.  

if i start making something that is a bit daunting, for whatever reason,
and i buy into it's enormity,
i can become overwhelmed and ultimately need to put it aside. 

it is better to just do simple tasks over and over. 

recently, i had a wholesale request for ten necklaces. 

i spent a couple of nights making beady chains and putting them aside. 

i needed pretty pink and pale colored flowers to add to the chains to complete them. 

 about a week was spent  creating a nice palette of colored pastel flowers to go with the chains. 

tonight i sat still and added the flowers to the chains 

thinking that i would be lucky if i got my order done. 

there was some kind of speed-bump stalling going on,

a mental block of some sort. 

in about the time it took to listen to two episodes of the office, back to back, 

i found myself with 20 pretty necklaces that i am very proud of. 

needless to say, not being hung up comparing my own creations to someone else's 

allowed me make just what i wanted to and in double the needed quantity. 

if it was not really late, 

i bet i would be out food shopping and wearing one of my new pieces. 

i can analyze how my creations rate by doing this. 

create things i mean and then get ambient feedback about them. 

it only works however when i am being ME. 

the rest of the stuff that i think is a hindrance and difficult to surmount,
well, it is not really there. 

it is stuff made up and in the back of my mind, 

trying to sabotage my own much more successful efforts. 

pushing through the fake, the non-existent, the fear inducing... 

all in little steps, 

one can make huge undertakings and do well with those. 

it only happens when the nothingness of comparisons is put in the deep freezer

 and i go about my business. 

it is really good to have self confidence. 

this age i am in now,
well it has done in so many things i have taken for granted. 

now i must rely on genuine effort and vision. 

no more fake stuff. 

just the now of it all. 

none of the faking it till i am found out. 

i am old enough to know i am a bit different these days.
in other ways than when youth ruled

sssshhhh. don't tell anyone. 

ha ha. 

here are the necklaces i was bragging about. 

 my ego growing. 

love when these are all hung together.

a pretty mix of unexpected colors...

 might be nice for a baby shower or expectant mum. 

or a st. paddy's day treat

or just a sweet Spring treat.

well, talk to you later...

xoxo.
wendy