purposefulness.
a fresh promise each day.
my sleep is an elusive gift.
as i try to fall into the downy softness of slumber,
sometimes i find it too slow in its arrival.
with this, my mind continues to go through its paces.
a check list is created in the modest motes of sloppy consciousness that remain from the ending day.
as my thoughts roll around like a thunderous motor,
preventing sleep from its natural restorative effects,
i consider many things.
one of many of these winds up as a blog posting.
such is this one.
i suppose, i am simply overly-tired and
will edit this into the ground when rest has calmed my edged frayings,
but i want to try to explain and understand at the same time.
people irritate the hell out of me.
i like them lots.
really i do.
when i don't, i try to fake it.
really,
you have NO idea how hard it is to reconfigure the steaming vents invisibly inserted in my ears,
the spitting fires of my eyes,
and worstly, my very naughty mouth.
i am unsure of why some people are so hell bent on aggravating strangers all around them.
by strangers, i of course mean ME.
somehow, in becoming who i am,
the school of hard knocks was a good educator.
it was of course, not the only place where i was taught stuff.
i also learned all of my child rearing tactics from tv sitcoms... should you ask my kids.
there is supposed to be humor in sitcoms.
why else would there be those insipid and false sounding laugh tracks to highlight
to prompt where viewers ought to be amused?
the reason some sitcoms are actually really funny,
is that they represent parts of a commonality of day to day living.
maybe, they are of grinding the human condition into some type of focus?
we feel that we are a part of a collection or
maybe, we are connecting the dots to try to make some sense of it all?
this is the stuff that makes unsettled philosophy majors in college.
earlier today:
there was the guy who was one of many perplexed gas station customers near me at the array of pumps.
he looked at me and no other stupefied customer... and just blurted out...
"what the fuck?"
no one would have ever expected that from him at least by his appearance.
the credit/debit card gizmo was not working on the gas pumps.
it was inconvenient.
one was expected to go into the quik-e-mart to contend with a mumbling teenaged clerk.
i have enough of that in every day of my life as it is.
i felt his pain.
and i acted accordingly, both smiling and nodding.
i also chuckled.
his delivery of his lines was just right.
just the right amount of umbrage, humor, eye rolling and connectiveness.
the other patrons of course spoke little or no english and could not engage in this
amuse bouche
of sociality.
i enjoy my education via the academy of OPRAH too.
during one of the two times i actually watched her show,
(in spite of how annoying all the adverts were),
she said something that has resonated with me ever since.
you only get discipline by doing what you need to do.
discipline is achieved only by being disciplined.
it is a self fulfilling experience.
without trying to accomplish it, you cannot achieve it.
so i try daily to face my days with
the discipline of being purposeful.
i fantasize that i am a kind of ok-going person.
i know i am never gonna be a genuinely relaxed one.
i get it.
however, i do try to stay my course and move to my own drummer.
this includes sidestepping the obvious mines that are found everywhere in my life.
over the past few years,
i have discovered that there are a few things that will really irritate me
into a stupor of sputtering and cussing.
here is where i try to harness some discipline...
and ignore the big ice floes prodding at me.
they seem small on the surface,
but pack an emotional wallop underneath the surface where no one can see them.
and yes, i am fully aware that i am my own worst enemy.
here is the biggest part of my problem.
at least as i can say that i see it.
i have one of those faces.
everydamnedthing is telegraphed by my face.
i keep so very few secrets.
complete strangers get uppity with me.
and they really piss me off.
they know it and it seems to fulfill some perverse need on their part.
currently, i am living on the edge.
i keep feeling the tendrils of rage interjecting themselves into my life.
my life is filled with bumbling along.
i need to remain on task to accomplish things.
staying the discipline course for as long as it is possible.
this week was a super challenging test of how i could get stuff done, since we lost internet service.
it was the tail end of mid-term exams for my daughter.
she needed the computer.
i feel for her.
we all need the computer.
mine is the only one that is usable anymore.
and i neglected to pay the bill.
not out of spaciness, per se.
it was out of a lack of an even flowing cash income.
money comes in and flies right back out of my hands within an eye blink.
no actual cash is even part of this equation.
it is all o's and 1's
bits and bytes.
not real cash tender.
so i screwed up.
the kid did get all of her work done.
it was the primary objective after all.
so things worked out as well as they always seem to do.
as much as i wanted to push some jewelry orders out of my door
to stores preparing for the next holiday season
(think, st. valentine's day massacre... more on this very pointed topic in another day's driveling post)
i sacrificed my interests to hers.
acting one-oh-one.
i tried to stay disciplined, purpose-filled and on task.
it is not easy being me on any given day.
tomorrow, i shall explain.
i will be in my weekly raquet driven argument with my
new bff,
"the raisin".
she deserves some real time posting all on her own.
what a wrinkled web she weaves.
and then there was the woman that called me a bitch at barnes and noble bookstore.
and a few other glitchy moments.
really, i think in general, i am kind and have a drive to please.
i guess that i am just wrong.
a lot.
and so, my acting lessons need to be kicked up a few notches.
it is good to formulate a plan.
*******
as for the reality in my life... not the philosophical posturing,
the making of jewelry.
this is pretty much what i have been doing around the clock for two weeks now.
filling some wholesale orders to ship out lickety split.
there is more stuff too, but it is just variation on the theme.
how much quirk and aggravation can any person possibly tolerate?
what would be considered normal?
i have to keep reminding myself that normal is not my best self descriptive adjective these days.
a re-made necklace,
luckily received with very high marks.
a custom request from a nice fella for his gal
(we met at a show last summer)
a second piece for a sweet valentine
or in his case, his anniversary.
some small brooches
lots of flowered earrings.
just waiting for their wires
some beaded chain necklaces
more of the eternally flowering earrings
and then there were rings.
and some brooches
and now, i am truly tuckered out.
tomorrow's purposefulness includes
a trip to the postal facility.
which means there is a challenging task ahead.
finding a box to fit all of these little gals into.
they need to be transported to their new homes.
i am wishing them luck
from the bottom of my cranky little heart.
i will tell the tale of the entitled granny at the bookstore.
there are lessons for me here.
so many stories.
so many promises.
a purpose and a future in acting.
xo.w.
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