Monday, July 16, 2012

bound to happen

recently, i have felt stuck in a bunch of ways.
health issues, money crap and all kinds of revelations.

i have tried a lot of different things to get a better financial result. one realization that came through is that i can't do everything. i already knew this, but trying to outwit reality, just makes me do cruddy work. something's gotta give. many experiments have identified my need to eliminate some things that didn't work for me.

i have rushed to make 31.5% of retail sales and be in the position of replacing past season's customized unsold stock or rebuilding broken pieces. this was a good lesson to learn. do not rush. one can only do what one can do.  better raw materials make for  better creations with oodles of patience  required.
it is hard to remember that without  personal reminders.

somethings i did not want to do for reasons of vanity, are back in the to-do line-up.  i kicked them to the curb because i had no sense of balance.  i need better balance. i should be a lot happier than i have been this year. lots of changes have been made and more are to come. it is all about the parts to the formula and getting it smoother. 

it was another experiment to try to finish a necklace that a lovely customer and i started work  on last autumn. the holiday season and assorted other distractions pushed me to put it aside. there are a few other little details to attend to today and it will be completed.  the chain at the neck needs a little love still.

also, it is that time of year where i can think of swimming in blue water with a solid tan happening.
my own little blue lagoon erupted from components hoarded within my ali baba-esque living room.

these are the kind of photos you get when you fling the necklace onto your mannequin as you are screaming out the door to go to a show at 6 in the morning. 
i may re-take them... 
the necklace deserves better. 

i have always thought of my dna as thoroughbred stock. this week it came through like the champion i considered it. i am now participating in the diabetes rodeo. yep. newly diagnosed today for certain.
i am bereft. of course, it was just a matter of time. i have gut weight, and too much to do me or any 10 other folks any good. who knows what my family history holds... since nobody will ever or has ever told the truth about any painful or personal issue. they all espouse crap and with great authority too. nobody ever wants to deal with what the truth of any matter is, unless of course it can be blamed on someone else. i am sorry about this. surely i have done exactly this same thing...self awareness is one thing, but lashing out is another.  i am exhausted having spent an hour with my nice doctor. she is a peach and has been warming to me over this past year.

i can't believe how long i have been hiding out from this diagnosis. it was as if i was to blame exclusively in my habits and food choices. lucky for me, dr. sweetie, told me that i could give up feeling crappy and responsible for all of the issues that made this disease a reality. thank you so much. a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

of the things i tried to relinquish on the way to regaining a flatter front profile, was my diet coke habit.  i recognize that it is not too good for me, but i really miss drinking it. lucky for me, it is now deemed ok. so i think i have been given 3 really good things today. in spite of my breaking into tears every few minutes (so, i am a drama queen... you gonna make something of that?).

1. diet coke is BACK baby. i am happy as shit about that. hook me up!
2. this diagnosis was coming my way sometime. it's inevitability was a guaranteed event.  gratefully i see it was not a whole lot sooner. it also is not completely my fault. mother nature and my forbears' dna were deeply contributing factors. this assuages my mount everest heap of guilt.
3. if i can believe my husband... he said something really nice to me today in regard to all this life changing, hand wringing, moaning and whining information. he said, he was sure i could get all this under control, cause when something comes up, that is what i do. i do what needs to be done.
sheesh... i could have kissed him on the lips and everything. really nice. thank you eddie. (his name is really chris btw).

also, want to say, i have wanted to wear nicer clothes for decades now. it is a benefit of things happening and forcing a physical change. i feel a beautiful couple of leather belts in my future with huge buckles made by my friends to be on the i "deserve this"list. why not bejewel my waistline, once it returns home?
i want to wear skirts and blouses without an "x" in the sizing label. nice detailing in my wardrobe and pretty fabrics. pleats... formerly resigned to those who have some room for those potentially visually enlarging details will be returned to my clotheshorsey dreams.
good thing i have been stockpiling images on pinterest of things i want to wear. i also promise to buy a very expensive pair of cowboy boots for myself, should i achieve this weight loss persona that i am now resigned to achieving.

while this metamorphosis is in play... i shall be trying to overcome my recent limited building of larger statement necklaces. i deserve to dream of them and see how closely i can come to making those more real as well.

it days until i  turn over my personal odometer for another year. i think i ought to just go for some of the more fun things in my life... and take better care to do only that. the fantasy that i could make folks DO what i want, is just that. it is nowhere's near a functional reality. i need to build on some of the successes that have gotten me here already. not more of the edward gorey fainting lady that i portray in my mind some days.

time to do more, live more, dress up more, and just more of more.

time to either nap or take my kid to do some errands... i am fantasizing of a kiddie pool for my pupsicle.


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