Wednesday, January 11, 2012

insomnia, waiting, patience, etc.

everyone has something about themselves that feels like a dirty little secret.
i never realized until recently, 
that my night owl habits had taken over my life. 
i guess that is my current "shhh, don't tell" item.

when my kids were little, 
i slept inadequately. 
they slept in the car as i drove around often. 
when they were all out and tucked into their respective car seats, 
i would pull over at a nice place like a beach and let them stay that way.
in those days, i could fall asleep on a dime. 
it was easy to do, 
as exhaustion was my partner. 

now, i have less of the kids at home, 
but larger financial concerns. 
there are two of them off discovering things for their lives. 
one is industrious and funny ... working her butt off. 
and i know it is hard to do stuff,
cause she has so little time. 
i think she likes things this way, since i know her to be a bit of a perfectionist. 
she has always loved sleep. 
of course it came to her late in the night... as it does to me. 
she is more of a fervent night owl than i, i think.

when she was less than a year old,
she consistently would not fall asleep in her crib
before one a.m.
she once did a header out of her crib onto the floor at midnight. 
i thought my husband had dropped something in the basement. 
nope, just the intrepid halley doing somersaults out of her crib. 
she of course did not get hurt at all,
since her floor was covered with doubled up rugs. 
that and she has always had a remarkably high tolerance
for bumps and such. 

the boy, well he is and always has been able to assess a situation. 
he determines all that is essential for him to achieve a certain level. 
one that he finds ok. 
 nothing short of moving the earth off of its axis will convince him 
to put more work into something. 
that is, unless he likes it. 
so he is finding himself these days.
his first semester as a freshman has been a little bit of a doozy.
nicking off one intolerable item at a time. 
and i must just bear with the choices he makes. 
now they become 'make or break' choices. 
i can influence him no more. 
at least i feel like that is what is going on.
again, i wait as he makes up his mind about things
 that have nothing to do with nursing, his major.

and the widget. 
she is very disciplined,
however she is honestly dealing with a lot of idiots these days. 
the other two did it before her... but she is not as forgiving or lazy/accepting.
things get under her skin and she does not let go.
i totally get this.
i see a career in law in her future.
she takes some teachers to task.
they relent.
only after she explains her reasoning to them.
(like how can they test the class on material not assigned yet?)

she cannot abide how poorly her teachers work to educate her on many days. 
she has been on full tilt about her math teacher lately. 
she expresses that it feels as if he hates her, 
he has told her that she only irritates him.
she also says that another math teacher would not do any good.
she understands the material... she does not understand the teacher himself.

what teacher would tell a student that she irritates him?
frankly, i gave little credit to the other two and their complaints.
i under-estimated how bad some of these people were to cope with on a regular basis. 
 i have been through varietal issues with representatives
of the academic and the administrative 
sections of the school.
the vice principal lied to my face and that of her principal a couple of weeks ago.
i can see why no one likes her.
she is a full-tilt bully.
the principal, is a really nice guy, and a little out of place there.
he bought new suits this year, making him look sharp.
he now sports a van dyke beard, also looking sharp.
he also snagged a nifty pair of glasses to make him look smart.
they are not prescription and are just there as props.
the kids have his number.
which is sad, cause he really does have their best interests at heart.
and they don't really respect him.
i feel badly for him.

what always amazes me in spite of the lackluster professionalism,
 is that the students are fantastico.
in spite of the fact that 
the faculty is hit or miss, as is the administration,
it is the kids that get each other through and one good guidance counselor. 

so paying for college is a big thing in my world. 
the kids have done what they could to get there and deserve the best that i can offer. 
in saying this, i find that my current resources are finite. 
i find this to be frustrating. 
things depend on my being fully functional. 
and this insomnia seems to be kicking my ass. 

things NEED to get done. 
 when i am dragging all around my home, 
they are not getting done as quickly as i might like. 

there are other predicaments at hand. 
you know that old saying that some things just take too long to finish? 
and it is like watching paint dry? 
well i am literally waiting for paint to dry. 
since it is oil based paint, aka enamel...
it is best done outside. 
the fumes are both noxious and they can amass to create a hazard with our gas heat. 
kaboom comes to mind. 
also it is a little cold out. 
it being winter in new england and all, 
in spite of the mildness so far. 
it makes outdoors painting less productive. 
the best temperature for curing the paint is around 7o degrees. 
that is not what we got going on right now. 
so i must wait and do things in teensy, incremental batches... 
and wait 
and wait some more. 

while the kids were home for their breaks, 
 i waited to start my projects. 
it was harder to move the sofa while someone was napping on it.
 guess what?
i needed to move some furniture around. 
that and release my death grip on some unused crap. 
it is piled on piles and then sorted into piles on top of other piles. 
my mr. is really great just tossing stuff. 
i really need to just do it.
 as it always happens, 
whatever i toss is something i am looking for and 
will have to repurchase to do my projects with. 
truly i frustrate myself. 

today i spent time in the basement on a 15 minute timer. 
it was a useful exercise. 
clean all that you can in small increments.
 this will allow you to quit if you need to or continue if you feel the love. 
i can't wait to try some more increments. 
i decided to bring my camera to the basement 
where the big dig is being processed. 
this way i can document what 15 minutes will afford me. 
if i can get some of this done, to my own picky satisfaction, 
then i can move some stuff around. 
i look forward to that. 

when i get some movement made, on my own to-do list, 
my husband will be able to use his own work area again.
i am thrilled at the prospect of less glaring at me for taking part of it over. 
i am sure i already mentioned this. 
but again, i wait for paint to dry, so i have materials to work with. 

as i try to drift off, 
my mind fills with all of these things. 
what could be relocated where?
how can i repurpose something storage-like and on wheels?
where should i put all of my books that are wonderful resources, 
but currently not in use?
and more. 

a big goal is to get everything off of the floor. 
perhaps some satisfaction in accomplishing that will allow me to sleep. 
i am unsure if it is caffeine, 
or potential growth...
it feels like the night before going on a trip
every time. 

 i have a bunch of new ideas becoming implemented.
there are some new styles of things to add to my line of jewelry. 
after investigating some of these techniques that i would like to use, 
i feel like they will work out. 
i just need to get them started. 
fresh things. 
oooh how juicy. 
so you can perhaps see that i am stuck 
and on the edge of an exciting precipice. 

these are the last bunch of flowers i colored up. 

now i feel that some softer things for the spring/summer are going to be explored. 
and some more peppery, pungent and neon things too. 
perhaps i will even learn the beauty of production line constructions
for my own world. 
this too, is exciting. 
more ideas. 
more executions. 
maybe even more of that elusive slumber. 
don't know yet... 
could happen. 

i am gonna give it another try...


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