Monday, August 22, 2011

self doubt

i hate when this revelry of self doubt settles in. 
i know i have given my all to raising kids. 
(cupcakes were iced on the trunk of my car so i could get them to the daughter for her birthday in her classroom. just an example of my devotion).
and i know in the big scheme of things that things could have been a whole lot worse. 

for example, my almost 18 year old son was out with his friends til 
roughly 12:30 a.m. the other night. 
i realized as the clock hands were stretching past midnight, i never told him what time i expected him home. 
it never occurred to me that i ought to. 
i kind of trust him. 
he was fine, albeit tired and went to bed when he got home. 
i was more surprised that i realized that i was in this position. 

my daughter is a few months from 20.
i do not worry about her hours coming in either. 
as we both know, her having a curfew is a silly premise. 
she has a job, she has assumed responsibility for her dental care, 
and she could be eating ice cream for dinner. 
but these days, those final days before her turning the odometer over,
 are testing my capacity to hold my tongue. 
i had forgotten as she is about to be a sophomore, that she is still a teenager. 
earlier this evening she did something that reminded me that this is the case and to keep my inner pollyanna informed. 

my dear friend susan tells me often enough
 that God gives us  teenagers,
 so that we can remember to let go. 
letting go may be a water-work experience in the coming days. 
i am channeling the fountains at Versailles. 
i am unsure if i am going to purely miss these young adult-packaged people 
or if i am going to be crying out of previously unassumed dangerously high levels of anger. 
Ima thinking a mix of the two is likely. 
{i cry when i am angry, which confuses people here. they think i am sad.}

so please if you are able, send a little wish heavenwards to keep me on track.
i just need to hold out a few more days. 
less than two weeks if i count correctly. 
in response to the discomfort i am experiencing, from all too many fronts,
loads of fresh bracelets are under construction today.
there are orders that are coming from my NY gift show (NYIGS)

hopefully, i will have some stuff that should be made. 
i am looking towards a diversion from the kids going back to school.
every member of this house is barking mad today. 
well everyone except the dog, who remains even-keeled and devoted. 
and inappropriately barking free.
i will keep him.

wish me luck and all. i am certain that i need it. 

xo. w.

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