Tuesday, July 19, 2011

lost and found

today i was on my way to meet some ladies for lunch. 
i lost my phone. 
it took all day to find it. 
of course even with three teens looking, 
finallyi was the one to find it. 
they could not follow my insane thought passages enough to track that 
 essential piece of handheld technology.

i thrill to the idea that i am easy going
(i realize it is only in my own head, and in reality, i am likely considered high-strung)
and i like the idea that my usage of a phone is relaxed.
I am here to tell you that it is not.
on my way out of the house, i lost it.
i can't even to begin to say how enormously inconvenient that was.
in so many ways possible and more.

one of which was that i was quite late for a lunch with two of my fave ladies ever.
i couldn't even call them to tell them i was en route, because that was the root of the problem. 
i should be really embarrassed, 
but it is too far to go for what is right up front.  
my face telegraphs all of my emotions and baggage. 
if that doesn't share enough stuff that i would love to keep less public, 
then my mouth gets me into trouble.
too much of the way i live my life is just frustrating in loads of little tiny ways.
they add up and create a tangled mess.

i am a project in progress. 
sometimes i am around folks that are just so 
for a lack of a better word,


i continue to wish to fit in. 
i continue to wish for some greater control of my personal informational flow. 
i continue to hope that i can rise to a better place. 
i continue to try to learn some more evolved social skills. 
it occurs to me as my personal anniversary nears, that i take stock of things like this annually. 
sometimes my assessments are better than others. 
it feels like a personal performance review for a job;
one that only i can create and apply to myself. 
i have felt really mean this week. 
and i have given myself room to apologize. 
however, i feel like there is always growing room to get it all right. 
and yes, this deeply affects how i move next. 
(i may mean misstep next)

in the stretch between the apices of my clumsy moments, i am sure that i am given a lot of latitude by my friends and
 yes even the family that i love dearly and grouse about all too regularly.

 folks seem to be willing to shrug and say 
"oh that's just the artistic personality, wendy. you are fine."
i love them for that generosity.
but still i know that there is a little bit of white lying in the mix. 
protection of my very elephantine/rhinoceros-like 
in my mind, i translate this to a big personality (that often needs some taming),
 i feel i am unnaturally slow moving,
 i gots a mammalian internal system,
 thick skin(some times),
 and delicate inner center
(if you think my emotional range exhausts you... imagine how i feel harnessing it) 
i could be wrong. 
who knows?
i sure don't.
so i offer to you a visual of  
 juxtaposition of colors and nodding to nature 
in flowery embellishments.
 perhaps they will represent my artistic nature,
at least better than my horrible mean streak has left me feeling all this week.

love and hugs...

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